Mariah Burton Nelson’s
Tips for Speaking About
Controversial Subjects
Tell your therapist first. “Know thyself,” Nelson says. “Be strategic about which audiences you tell, and why. If something is
highly emotional for you, it’s probably best not to tell an audience about it yet. It puts people in an awkward position. They
look to you for answers and inspiration, not your drama.”
Be real, not rude. “Authenticity is not an excuse for being
tactless or inconsiderate. It doesn’t give you permission to floss
your teeth in public.”
Lighten up. When Nelson brings
up her sexual orientation, she
uses an approach like, “Lesbian
is such a scary word. Let’s say it
together. Can we do that?
Maybe we should warm up to it
with the word thesbian.”
Relax. Stiff posture and awkward
gestures can give the impression
of inauthenticity, even if what
you’re saying comes from the
heart. “Try letting your hands
hang naturally by your side. Try
looking at the audience for a while without speaking. Those
sound like techniques, but they’re really just permission to be
present and real.”
For gay speakers, if possible, let organizers and attendees
know who you are before your speech. “Be out with the
meeting planner and assorted other attendees if the subject
of your significant other or your orientation comes up naturally in social conversations before or after events. You’ll maintain your sense of integrity, they’ll get to know you as a person,
and you won’t have to deal with shocking hundreds of people at once. I’ve done this with numerous clients, and they
handled it just fine.”
And clearly, Nelson’s creativity is flowing. She’s authored five
books, including We Are All Athletes: Bringing Courage, Confidence and Peak Performance Into Our Everyday Lives, and contributes to publications ranging from The Washington Post to Self to
Golf Illustrated. She’s appeared on ESPN, Today and Larry King Live,
among other shows. In 2006, she became executive director of the
American Association for Physical Activity and Recreation, following
19 years as the president of Speaking of Sports. (More information
is on her Web site, MariahBurtonNelson.com.)
Nelson first went public with her sex abuse in her book The
Stronger Women Get, The More Men Love Football, published by
Harcourt in 1994. In a chapter called “My Coach Says He Loves
Me,” Nelson included her own story: “For two years, beginning when
I was 14 and my beloved friend and
mentor was 25, he abused my trust
by taking advantage of me sexually,”
she says.
As a result of the book, Nelson was
asked to speak about the issue of
coach-athlete abuse. Her audience:
coaches. “You could hear a pin drop,”
she says of the experience. “It’s a
heavy topic.”
Delivering the Tough News
The subject, in fact, is the one that has
prompted her most hostile audiences.
“Some audience members blamed
me for seducing my coach,” she says.
“Later, I forgave that coach, and felt
liberated by that process, and wrote a
whole book, The Unburdened Heart
(published in 2000), about forgiveness. Then audience members
criticized me for forgiving him. . . .Of course I have to forgive them
for that, because now I’m a professional forgiver!”
For Nelson, speaking about that particular part of her life continues to affect her and her work. Although writing publicly about the
abuse would seem to have been the act that allowed her closure
on the topic—she even sought out her former coach, confronted
him about his abuse, and included his responses in her first book—
it turned out to be the beginning of yet another personal journey.
In her early speeches about coach-athlete abuse, Nelson identified her abuser by his full name. At one such speech, an audience
member recognized the man. The woman approached Nelson
after the speech, devastated and disillusioned about a man she
had respected.
