The experience taught Nelson an important lesson about speaking with
authenticity: Speaking honestly doesn’t mean exposing everything.
“I think I was wrong to ‘out’ him 20 years after the fact without
considering who he is now, and who else might get hurt,” Nelson
says. “Speaking the truth is one thing; deciding when and where to
speak the truth is an entirely different consideration.”
The question of how much to reveal is even more fraught when
it comes to presenting her sexuality to audiences. “Truth is, gay
speakers facing a business audience—to discuss any topic other
than diversity— find themselves in a no-win situation,” she says,
“which is a bummer.”
She tries diffusing the situation with humor (see sidebar), or working the information in toward the end of the speech or during the
Q-and-A—“after they already trust and like me.”
“It’s a Catch- 22,” she says. “If you don’t include stories about your
partner, in that natural way that straight speakers mention their
spouses, then you potentially damage your own sense of authenticity, and you deprive the audience of the opportunity to know you,
appreciate your courage and identify with you, since of course some
of them are gay and most of them know and love other gay people.
“But if you do come out to them,” she continues, “it’s like throwing a huge water balloon at the audience: No one gets hurt, but
it’s so shocking and uncomfortable they can’t concentrate on anything else you say.”
“Speaking the truth is one
thing; deciding when
and where to speak the truth
is an entirely different
consideration.”
The Humanity of Being Honest
On occasions when she has been criticized for revealing too much
of her personal life, she hews to her principles of authenticity. “To
those who say they ‘don’t need to know what happens in the bedroom,’ I respond that all I want is to be casually, openly gay the way
straight people get to casually, openly be straight,” she says. “It’s
not about sex, it’s about love—which is a key part of our humanity.”
